Darth Vader is Insecure About His Phone Voice
by JolieFolie
Summary: While setting up the voicemail on his work phone, Darth Vader decides that his voice sounds higher on the recording than it does in real life. He then calls a board meeting to raise his concern with the admirals. (Cross listed on AO3)


_"I'm currently away from my desk. Please leave a detailed message, including your operating number and why you deserve to live, and I'll return your message as soon as possible. Merry Christmas!" BEEEEEEP._

Darth Vader scowled as he listened to his current voicemail greeting. He had forgotten about the seasonal element he had included in an effort to boost crew morale at the time. So much for that. Now it was the middle of March and his voicemail sounded absolutely ridiculous.

Besides that, his recorded voice sounded…. strange. Perhaps he had had a cold at the time of recording.

With the instruction manual for his desk phone open in his lap, Vader went to re-recording a more appropriate voicemail greeting.

He listened to the new recording. Again, he heard a higher, weirder twin to his voice.

He knew what his voice should sound like. "Why do I sound like a sex god in my head but a schoolgirl over the phone?" he said out loud, enjoying the validation of exactly what he expected: the usual, deep tone of his voice.

Something had to be done.

* * *

"There's something wrong with my phone system. It's making my voice sounded higher than it actually is." Darth Vader had his hands on the back of a chair in the board room. Five of his admirals were seated around the table. He could have probably sent an email, or maybe just had a quick chat with one admiral, but he liked having an audience.

One of the admirals piped up. "Everyone's voice sounds higher in real life compared to how they perceive it. From your perspective, the sound waves bounce around inside your head, creating a deeper sound, but outside your head, the sound waves bounce around outside, and that's what we hear, so -"

"You are suggesting my voice, in fact, is high?"

"Er - no, sir, I was explaining the science behind -"

"Does this look like a schoolhouse, admiral? If I wanted a science lesson, I'd stick my head out the window and observe all the fucking science going on in space right now. But as you can see, I've got my head firmly planted in this fucking helmet, so what does that tell you?"

The admiral's face went red.

Vader continued. "I want the IT department notified. Get them to fix the sound issue in my phone immediately." Although he had been effective in getting his subordinate to shut the hell up, Vader still felt a sense that the main issue had not been resolved.

Vader sensed that the admirals wanted to leave; they were moving to get up.

"Wait."

The admirals sat back down.

Vader hesitated. "Does my voice on the phone really sound the same as my voice in real life?" Knowing his subordinates' mindsets, he added, "Remain silent if you agree."

There was a moment of silence.

Vader muttered to himself. "It can't be…" He could feel a blend of anxiety and anger in his chest. He'd already directed his frustration in the direction of the IT department. In the meantime… what to do?

"So…" Vader wrestled with the concept in his mind. His next exhalation was growlier than usual.

"My lord, perception can be as nebulous as the shadows."

"It sounds like you are questioning my judgement." Vader felt his spine stiffen. Then, exhaling, he tried to release his grip on the back of the chair. "You know what, I'm having a hard day. I haven't checked my email, I haven't had any coffee, and I'm pretty sure I'm wearing my underwear inside out." He looked down for a moment. "Look, it's almost 10:30, I don't want to run into your coffee break." He reapplied his grip on the chair, thinking about his own unfulfilled caffeine fix. "Let's get to the bottom line. Admiral?"

"Yes?"

"On a scale of one to ten, how sensual would you say my voice is?"

"Sir? Does ten equate with the highest or the lowest rating?"

"Let's say ten is Barry White and one is, I don't know… Miley Cyrus."

Another admiral spoke in a quieter voice. "I happen to like Miley Cyrus – Eugghchh!" The man clutched his throat and began levitating from his seat. His eyes bulged out of his head and his legs stiffened.

After a few minutes, the admiral's body slumped in his chair.

A hush fell over the room.

Vader lowered his gloved hand. "Any other questions before we break for coffee?"

"Yes, my lord. What would be an example of, like, a seven?"

Vader took a moment to think. "Probably Tim Curry."


End file.
